Once again..im faced with that feeling..that moment..that heartache...that realization that I am 32 years old..with no children! Its random when it hits and Sometimes is a situation...sometimes it comes from something at work...sometimes it's a random conversation or thought I have that goes through my head..and then its all down hill from there! It started yesterday (though I tried to fight IT) after I visited a new Family (I will not go into detail but it was heartbreaking)...then today I heard of yet another person having a baby (this will be her third)..i don't wish ill on them at all..but ugh!! Its strange and almost embarrasing the horrible ~~ negative thoughts I have and the way I start to feel so sorry for myself and Ed too...but when the feelings come..there is usually not anything I can do to stop it! Honestly they are so much better...now..than they were last year...and the year before!!!
When I was a kid I always imagined I would have a house full of kids before 30...then waiting till I was 28 to get married reality set in..that We would not have a "house full" before thirty but I honestly thought we would have one or at least be pregnant!
Ed and I are so blest and I know that and I love spending alone time with my hubby but often when its just us at home (like tonight)I can't help but long for the sweet pitter patter of little feet!! Its so wierd not having a sweet baby or child around feeding...bathing...and loving on...doing our bed time routine...awww..my heart just aches because I know that we are missing out on all of that!! WE are even missing out on those crazy stinky diapers, sleepless nights, crying, whining, and all the good and bad that come along with having children!!! I know anyone who has faced fertility issues has probably felt this same way..however I wander if its not worse because I ACTUALLY do know what we are missing (to a degree) since often i get to share in these special moments because I am blessed enough to get help with Briana and Faith's children! I find myself wanting to spend all my time at one of these households because then it makes it a little easier..i feel useful and I fell like I get to "play the part" for a few hours or sometimes even a few days! But eventually I have to go back to reality...our childless reality! I know as I type this...I sound so ungreatful ..im really not! Im so thankful..for a loving, wonderful, caring and understanding husband....and I'm thankful for those sweet, special, priceless moments when I get to "play the part!" It's just that my heart hurts...and when your heart hurts...it just hurts!! I wish I could fully undertand what God's plan was for Ed and I ....I pray often that if Ed and I don't have children he will replace that desire and pain..with something else!
It also breaks my heart that my husband feels this way too..even though he doesn't really say that! I use to complain to him that he didn't fully understand (and it is different) but I know his heart hurts too!! When you see the look that comes across his face when Cami Rae comes running up to him..or the careful love and attention he gives her every time she wants him to do anything for her...When you saw how excited he gets when he knows payton is coming over to hangout...or how much he loves to entertain all of his friends kiddos thats when you can see his real desire to be a dad! It just upsets me because he is not only sad for himself but he has to deal with all my CRAZY too! I know that we are not alone because everyone in life has some form of heartache and pain....I know what the bible says about this world not being my home...but....I just wish it was different...I want to be a mama! I know that we still have time but it's quickly passing and we have to wait 18 months before trying to get pregnant after surgery..18 months sounds so long and I will be so old! It just seems like for so many...this part of life comes so easily..it's so very frustrating.... I am having a pity party...(rasberry zerbert)..tommorrow is a new day!
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