Long time coming

Last night at mom and dads we were discussing surgery..not my surgery but someone elses! Towards the end of the conversation..i found myself saying..."Gosh why would u go through any surgery i u didnt have to?" Lol..right then i realized what i said...and so i followed it up with, "well i guess some will say that about my surgery too!" Then my sweet dear father defended me saying, "Sarah, ur surgery is different and look how long it took u to make this decision!" That got me to really thinking....ya know this whole journey really got started about 8...9..years ago when i attended my very first of 3 weight loss surgery seminars! Now all these years laters...hundreds of dollars, tears, sweat, and research im finally biting the bullet. The first doctor who mentioned it to me...then talked me out of it..after having a very concerned meeting witb my father (unknown to me at the time) he basically asked her to reconsider her position on the surgery for me! Funny thing is finally my daddy is 100% behind this decision! so the weight loss surgery wheel has been spinning for a while i finally just decided to take ride! Ride..ride..slippity..slide ~ sorry to get all snoop dog on ya! PleS

Just one month away

Crazzzzzyy..it is insane to me..that a month from today I will be 2 days post op..and officially apart of the losers bench!! Its so weird because..im am now actually excited (read a few entries back)! In addition to excited..im scared, anxious, worried it want work, and feeling hopeful..that it will!! I know that this change will be forever and that it is a whole new life style that will take time to get used to!! I don't think there is any diet...or advice (no matter how helpful) that can truly prepare you for the days after WLS!! I just hope and pray that I am strong enough emotionLly and physically to get through it!! All the blogs, videos, websites I have read and watch..really have been inspiring..but 2 people had the same story to tell!! I mean some found it super painful..then others not at all!! I know everyones pain tolerance is different but this leaves me concerned about where i might stand!! I am going to go into expecting the worse..even though i dont know what that might be...but maybe those kidney stones have prepared me for this..lol!!
There is so much happening between now and April 26th...I feel like I barely have time to sleep!! I feel very thankful for all the support from family and friends..and ...for all the concerns too!! I'm also very thankful for e busy schedule..and the awesome trip to
NYC..the week before surgery!! I still have packing to do ( been researching advice for that), letters to write (you know just in case), and closets to get ready to clean out!!!
It's all in God's hands ....please pray that I can leave it there!!!

RAmblings...Pity party ...Maybe i really am CRAZY!

Once again..im faced with that feeling..that moment..that heartache...that realization that I am 32 years old..with no children! Its random when it hits and Sometimes is a situation...sometimes it comes from something at work...sometimes it's a random conversation or thought I have that goes through my head..and then its all down hill from there! It started yesterday (though I tried to fight IT) after I visited a new Family (I will not go into detail but it was heartbreaking)...then today I heard of yet another person having a baby (this will be her third)..i don't wish ill on them at all..but ugh!! Its strange and almost embarrasing the horrible ~~ negative thoughts I have and the way I start to feel so sorry for myself and Ed too...but when the feelings come..there is usually not anything I can do to stop it! Honestly they are so much better...now..than they were last year...and the year before!!!
When I was a kid I always imagined I would have a house full of kids before 30...then waiting till I was 28 to get married reality set in..that We would not have a "house full" before thirty but I honestly thought we would have one or at least be pregnant!
Ed and I are so blest and I know that and I love spending alone time with my hubby but often when its just us at home (like tonight)I can't help but long for the sweet pitter patter of little feet!! Its so wierd not having a sweet baby or child around feeding...bathing...and loving on...doing our bed time routine...awww..my heart just aches because I know that we are missing out on all of that!! WE are even missing out on those crazy stinky diapers, sleepless nights, crying, whining, and all the good and bad that come along with having children!!! I know anyone who has faced fertility issues has probably felt this same way..however I wander if its not worse because I ACTUALLY do know what we are missing (to a degree) since often i get to share in these special moments because I am blessed enough to get help with Briana and Faith's children! I find myself wanting to spend all my time at one of these households because then it makes it a little easier..i feel useful and I fell like I get to "play the part" for a few hours or sometimes even a few days! But eventually I have to go back to reality...our childless reality! I know as I type this...I sound so ungreatful ..im really not! Im so thankful..for a loving, wonderful, caring and understanding husband....and I'm thankful for those sweet, special, priceless moments when I get to "play the part!" It's just that my heart hurts...and when your heart hurts...it just hurts!! I wish I could fully undertand what God's plan was for Ed and I ....I pray often that if Ed and I don't have children he will replace that desire and pain..with something else!
It also breaks my heart that my husband feels this way too..even though he doesn't really say that! I use to complain to him that he didn't fully understand (and it is different) but I know his heart hurts too!! When you see the look that comes across his face when Cami Rae comes running up to him..or the careful love and attention he gives her every time she wants him to do anything for her...When you saw how excited he gets when he knows payton is coming over to hangout...or how much he loves to entertain all of his friends kiddos thats when you can see his real desire to be a dad! It just upsets me because he is not only sad for himself but he has to deal with all my CRAZY too! I know that we are not alone because everyone in life has some form of heartache and pain....I know what the bible says about this world not being my home...but....I just wish it was different...I want to be a mama! I know that we still have time but it's quickly passing and we have to wait 18 months before trying to get pregnant after surgery..18 months sounds so long and I will be so old! It just seems like for so many...this part of life comes so easily..it's so very frustrating.... I am having a pity party...(rasberry zerbert)..tommorrow is a new day!

How great is my God!

Early Monday morning.i found out a guy i knew that had WLS had passed (death was non related to surgery) he had some problems..been sick and other issues! Then The last two nights...I've dreamed bout the surgery...weird dreams..not bad just weird...so it's been on my mind ..... I Been feeling really strong about it..but this afternoon my own brain started turn g against me and I started feeling anxious and scared about it!! I started doubting my decision to go through with the VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrictomey)! I started worrying about death, illness, emotional and physical issues I'm likely to run in too and then lastly what others thought!! Oddly enough..(I guess cause originally I wasn't gonna tell any body..but it's tuned into a lot of peeps)...for the first time I started worrying about others opinions on it...what r people saying, thinking, feeling.when I tell them I am having is surgery? No one I have told has been ugly or weird about it...but I know so many think negatively ....like it's the easy way out (which it's not..if you have doubts just research it)! Lastly..I don't even care..what others think..but it's on my mind!! All the way home from Martin..I prayed about it...after I got home I googled VSG..for the 10,0000 time...and for the first time..I found this forum called vertical sleeve talk...you have to pay to be a member...but u can see some questions and answers for free...people ask questions and others post advice..it was very helpful...and awesome to read that most feeling the exact same way that I do...having all these crazy thoughts running through their head...so even though I felt like these thoughts were normal it was nice to read that others we're concerned about the emotional changes and stress they were ether afraid of or had already lived through!! After all that refreshing reading...I log into Facebook and received a very loving, sweet message from a dear cousin..telling me he will support any decision I make!! It made me cry!!! Then I realized how awesome is my God!!! He is always giving me what I need..when I need it!! So tonight as I lay my head on my pillow..I will be thanking and praising my amazing..loving ..God!! I am unworthy of his goodness!!!

what??????

Today...I found myself once again..defending my new hair cut...i know it makes my face look fatter..but it's not like i have really beautiful hair...plus it is just hair people.. and it will grow back!! Anyways..so when i'm faced with the question.."So, why did you cut your hair?" I just start spouting off all the reasons ...1. ready for a change 2. starting to get hot out side 3. dead ends...all which they were unimpressed by..and then I let it slip..the biggie..the real reason why..i cut off my hair....4. well, im also having surgery in April..I just felt like shorter hair would be easier to deal with after surgery 5. there is a big chance with this surgery im going to loose a lot of hair..i just thought shorter hair would be deal with this better!
******* So some backgroud..before I go on..im having this conversation...in front of three girls. Two that I know the othere I do not. I already knew that one of the girl's mother had weight loss surgery. Because when I found out last year..i couldn't believe it because this women was not very overweight. Maybe like 50 or 60 lbs (which i know for some people reading this might seem like a lot)..but not near as big as most people that have these surgeries. If I lost 50 or 60 lbs it would be great but I would still be morbidly obese. I have never talked with this girl about her mom's surgery but everyone that have talked with me about it also could not believe this women was big enough for weight loss surgery. *****
So after I listed all my reasons...they asked what kind of surgery I was having and I said weight loss. The one girl said well my mom had that (the one I knew) and then she said..her mom did too (the one I didn't know)! She went on to tell me her mom had a Gastric Bypass (which im not having) and that she was happy with the weight she lost..but for a while her mom was wishing she would have just gone on a strict diet instead of having this surgery. She said her mom had lost weight on her presurgery diet and for a while wished she had not gone through with the surgery. WHAT??? What am I supposed to say to that?? I was thinking...well..maybe it's because your mom was not that big to begin with...maybe she should have been trying to lose weight in other ways than just the presurgery diet!
**** let me also just say that I really, really, really like the girl I was talking with today a lot..i was just frustrated...and not feeling well...PMSing..on top of that...there was the I didn't know what to say next factor*****
Well, I have basically been working out...and trying to eat healthy since Sept...and I really didn't loose any weight..i pretty much bounced around the same 6 lbs!! I've been overweight my whole life...i was small toddler but between the years of 82 and 84 (ages 2 to 4)..somewhere along the way I chuncked up!! Sure there have been times I wished I was smaller but I've never really been sad or dispressed about my body image...it really only started bothering me...when I started not feeling well...having to be on something full time for my Blood pressure..and struggling to become pregnant over the last 2 years...so it's time..it's so time!! I hope and pray that things go smoothly and that I have no regrets..like that woman did!! Maybe she just thought that surgery was going to be the easy way out..but its anything far from it...it should be a very strict life change!

Can u hear me buzzing...im as Busy as a bee

The last couple of weeks have been so very busy! I haven't had time to even think about blogging...even now...as I write this I'm babysitting ...3 of my most precious treasures (cami is asleep - which is why I got a moment to spare)! Even in the random spare moments I have I have been trying to fill them spending time with those I love the most! My eating has been sparatic and my exercise this week has being pretty non-exsistent..which I know is terrible...but honestly..there has been no time! I feel like all of my being so busy is just one of the ways that God has answered my prayers about giving me peace and helping me not to worry about the surgery because there is no time for worrying!! Sure there are random moments i think about it but it's not always on my mind!! When my dear sweet friends ask about it..they always say, "are you excited?" which is such a weird question to me..because honestly I haven't really thought about it in that way...and the crazy looks i give them i feel bad for but it keeps cracking me up that is the question i keep getting. So now your asking yourself, "hmm..i wonder if she is excited?". Lol. Well I have been trying to come up with a better answer then..um ..(proceeded by a weird face I make!). So I think instead of doing that...I'm just going to say "not yet." that sounds better..than "um (weird face)" right? When I think of all the pros..(see a different blog below) then yes i do feel a little excited but honestly.....I'd rather feel confident.....safe....loved....then if everything goes smoothly with no complications..then maybe I will have room for EXCITED! Soooooooo...go ahead ask....

Friend: "so Sarah are you excited about surgery?"
Me: "not yet, but hopefully after it's over I will be."

See..how much smoother that is...lol
Please continue to pray for me, the surgery, the smart, smooth and confident surgeon, hospital, the staff and my family! Thanks..love to all!!