Omen, awesome gift or distraction??

Today I got the text from my boss Lori that she wants us to go to a training in New York for a training!! For those that don't know..that has been my biggest dream!! I love New York ..i've always wanted to go, I talk about it, I dream about, I buy stuff that says New York even if I don't need or even if I can't wear it! I have always had a mild obession! So this Trip for me is such an amazing opportunity! Actually since confirming my decision to go through with surgery..Briana Promised me that she would take me to NYC after I lost weight!

SO..this free work trip is a really, really, really big deal! The trip is April 18, 19, and 20th...that is the very week right before my surgery!! Wowzers! My first thought was that this was an omen I was not going to live through the surgery...then I started to thinking maybe this trip is supposed to serve as a distraction...so I want be sitting around...worring...thinking negative and feeling sorry for myself!

Ethier way...I just feel very blessed that God is allowing me the opportunity to go on this work trip!! It feels like such an awesome gift!!

"I get so emtional BABY" (sung in my best Whitney Houston Voice)

So today I got a phone call from Raylean. She is my Case manger for Blue Cross Blue Shield. She will be following my progress before and after for about 5 years out of surgery. It is a super neato thing. She called today to confirm and ask me a lot of thing like ~~ did Doctor talk about Wound care, and prepare inform me of every detail of surgery. She told me about potential for blood clots...asked how much I weighed and then wanted to make she I still had high blood pressure, high cholestroial, and PCOS. Then she asked if I had a advance directive or a Living will. I told her I didn't know what a Advance directive was (I called my daddy tonight and found out) and that I didn't have an official living will but that my Hubby knew my wishes. She told me to make sure that was something we talked about (which we did after I got home from work)! Funny thing is I had already been thinking about this stuff..and I had even decided I was going to go ahead and plan out most of my funeral so that would be something my family wont have to do in the event that I don't make it through surgery. But when she talked to me about it and asked me those questions..it really upset me and I cried all the way home from Paris. I know there could be potential complications with any surgery..and I know this *vertical sleeve gastrictomy* (which im having) is way less invasive than the gastric bypass (not having) but still things happen! I know if its my time to go..its my time to go but I just want My Babies (payton, cash, maddie, emma, Cami and Owen) to understand this too. I want to be able to justify this surgery for them...but Its hard knowing that im choosing to go through this ..as apposed to a surgery like gallbladder, heart surgery or something like that where you don't have a choice! I know I need to do it..I know that I cannot lose weight on my own and I need this tool..but how do you explain this to a 14, 12, 7, 6 and two two year olds?? I want them to remember me..I want them to remember how much I love each of them more than life itself and how my happiest times are when we are together! I want them to know that a big reason im doing this surgery is so that I can watch them grow up...graduate, go to college, become artists, singers, famous guitar players, scientist, meterologist, get married, have babies..i want to be there to babysit their babies!! I guess though if I don't get healthy..i might miss out on these times surgery or not. I just keep seeing Cash's face looking up at me and saying "why?" Or Maddie saying, "you don't need to lose weight, don't have surgery" I've been praying for peice all day. Praying I can get past all of thes emtionalness (made up word) ..get pumped about surgery!
I can do all things through Jesus Christ who streghthen's me. Phillipians 4:13

2 months from today

Two months from today..is the big day! Today is the first time i've honestly felt any anxiety since I made the final decision!! I think im mostly scared of the pain...and not knowing exactly what to expect. Ive been watching blog videos from those who have done this before me and they really help to give me a better grasp of it all! Its really awesome to have brave souls that made these videos because they have been so good and helpful!
I don't think I am going to make videos because they seem so time consuming! Speaking of time consuming that another fear of mine...I know i've got a long way to go especially after April 26th but I sure don't want this to be ALL CONSUMING of my life....i feel like for so many people it is! I know there are some things that Im going to have to slow down, do better and plan and think about..but I don't want it to be ALL I think about! I mean right now it's heavy on my mind..but thats the anxiety! Im still praying for peace, health and the hosptial, surgeon, nurses, my family..and all the days to come! I would appreciate your prays too!!
oh yeah..i thought of another pro...Button up shirts!! I have a few..but they don't button! I had to quit wearing those years ago (with the intention to button)...so that will be an awesome non-scare victory!!

WOWZERS...4/26/2012

So literally like 25..30 minutes after I made my last post Brenda from Vandy called me to schedule my surgery date!! I was like WHA WHA WHAT?? I was so shook up ..i had no idea it would all move this fast..she wanted me to do surgery in like 2 weeks but asked if we could wait till after April 15th..when Tax season was over..so My dear, sweet, loving, kind, awesome, giving, great friends...April 26 is the date! I am feeling very overwelmed but happy and honestly Im not even that nervous yet! So Unless I chicken out between in the next 2 months..that day will be a life changing day for me! Can you imagine me..skinny?? Uh me ethier...I don't think I will ever be "skinny" but hopefully smaller and healthier!! Good times!

...what i left out..

Funny..The important stuff I left out was...So what's next??

1. Had to Fax her my confirmation number from Insurance
2. Will have to Fax my letter of Confirmation..once I recieve it.
3. Then Bobbi (my insurance specialist) (yes we are on a first name basis) will give my info to scheduling.
4. Then someone ethier from Scheduling or the one of the Nurses will contact me and set me up for Surgery..and Pre OP visit.
5. PRe op visit is where I will meet Surgeon (again for only $500) and with Dietician (seperate charge).

...I can't believe I left this out of my last email...where is my head?

This is my happy face!

Look at that sweet Baby, hard to believe he will be 3 in August.

So ANYWAYS...this morning at 8:38..well I think?? I got a special phone call from the insurance specialist at Vanderbilt letting me know...wait for it...I'VE BEEN APPROVED FOR SURGERY!! I can't believe it..I guess I knew I was ethier gonna be denied or approved but its all happening so very fast (even though i've been working on this for a year!!) I sent that info off to her last week and then she called me last Thursday to tell me she was forwarding it to my insurance..and today I got "the call." My heart was beating so, so, so fast...and I started tearing up! Up unto this point i've totally been on the fence about it but now that I know i'm approved I feel so better about it! Im continuing to pray for God's providential hand and guidance to be surrouding me so that I can make the final decision and know whatever it is..its the right one! My Sweet, loving brother said.."well...if its something you really want to do, I'd do it but if you have any doubts then I wouldn't do it." He also went on to remind me that we ALL die some day! Lol! But that's My prayer is for God to feel me up with no doubts and I will know whatever I decide was his will and the right choice! Thanks so much for the prayers so far!!

*I also thought of another pro -- Crossing my legs-- i've always wanted to do that!!

The Pros and the OH SO CONs!

Pros
1. Possibly having a baby
2. Healthier
3. Living longer..getting be around to watch Payton, Maddie, Emma, Cash, Owen and Cami grow up
4. Being a Healthier weight
5. Not worrying about Insurances covering me..in case I lose my job
6. New clothes
7. Becoming sexier..lol
8. Roller coasters (if I want—but who am I kidding I don’t even like them)
9. Be better on my joints
10. Exercise will become easier (after I lose weight)
11. Probably save money on food
12. Having the hunger hormone to be gone
13. Being able to sit in chairs with arms more comfortably



Cons
1. waiting 18 months after surgery to try and have a baby
2. losing weight
3. Dying from sugery
4. pain
5. Star Jones syndrome (losing too much weight and it making my head look abnormally big)
6. Losing some of my cute clothes
7. Losing my butt..yeah i said it!
8. Being even more of an emotional roller coaster
9. Not being able to eat some junk if I want to
10. No soft drinks
11. Lots of loose skin


I know there are tons more..these are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head!! What do you think?? Can you think of more?? I would love to hear them all..i want to get everything out on the table now....to help me make my decision!

W A I T I N G (say in slow motion..it's much better)

So Waiting that's what I'm doing now!! I have finished up my 6 months of medically supervised weight loss on Monday Feb 13!! I've done the sleep study, had extra labs drawn, met with the nutritionist and the psychologist..and sent all of this information over to Vanderbilt!! So now I just wait! Friday one of the insurance Experts (expert sounds so much better than "lady") called me to let me know she was faxing all of my information over to blue cross for "predetermination!" I've done everything they have asked of me so They should approve me for weight loss surgery but you never know what Insurance company's are gonna do!! IF I get approved then it will be up to me to make the final decision to go through with this process or not! I'm so nervous some days..i think of course I'm gonna do it..and then others..I'm like forget that..i can do this on my own and then I'm reminded again..just like this past 6 months..Ive been trying so hard to actually lose weight and all I did was fluctuate between 6lbs!! 6lbs in 6 months (with me really trying) is not acceptable! This surgery is a big, life changing deal...im just not sure that im mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to go through with it!! I'm praying though..i'm praying!! So maybe the title of this post should have been WAITING & PRAYING..because that's way more accurate! Im trusting in God's love and Grace that something will work out!