So today I got a phone call from Raylean. She is my Case manger for Blue Cross Blue Shield. She will be following my progress before and after for about 5 years out of surgery. It is a super neato thing. She called today to confirm and ask me a lot of thing like ~~ did Doctor talk about Wound care, and prepare inform me of every detail of surgery. She told me about potential for blood clots...asked how much I weighed and then wanted to make she I still had high blood pressure, high cholestroial, and PCOS. Then she asked if I had a advance directive or a Living will. I told her I didn't know what a Advance directive was (I called my daddy tonight and found out) and that I didn't have an official living will but that my Hubby knew my wishes. She told me to make sure that was something we talked about (which we did after I got home from work)! Funny thing is I had already been thinking about this stuff..and I had even decided I was going to go ahead and plan out most of my funeral so that would be something my family wont have to do in the event that I don't make it through surgery. But when she talked to me about it and asked me those questions..it really upset me and I cried all the way home from Paris. I know there could be potential complications with any surgery..and I know this *vertical sleeve gastrictomy* (which im having) is way less invasive than the gastric bypass (not having) but still things happen! I know if its my time to go..its my time to go but I just want My Babies (payton, cash, maddie, emma, Cami and Owen) to understand this too. I want to be able to justify this surgery for them...but Its hard knowing that im choosing to go through this ..as apposed to a surgery like gallbladder, heart surgery or something like that where you don't have a choice! I know I need to do it..I know that I cannot lose weight on my own and I need this tool..but how do you explain this to a 14, 12, 7, 6 and two two year olds?? I want them to remember me..I want them to remember how much I love each of them more than life itself and how my happiest times are when we are together! I want them to know that a big reason im doing this surgery is so that I can watch them grow up...graduate, go to college, become artists, singers, famous guitar players, scientist, meterologist, get married, have babies..i want to be there to babysit their babies!! I guess though if I don't get healthy..i might miss out on these times surgery or not. I just keep seeing Cash's face looking up at me and saying "why?" Or Maddie saying, "you don't need to lose weight, don't have surgery" I've been praying for peice all day. Praying I can get past all of thes emtionalness (made up word) ..get pumped about surgery!
I can do all things through Jesus Christ who streghthen's me. Phillipians 4:13
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