today's 5

Today's 5 should not be a struggle ~~ I have a good Savior, family, husband, friends..place to live, place to sleep, a job, and some money saved up ~~ clothes on my back and food on my table...but I am still struggling with contentment! I find myself being jealous and even angry at those women who are pregnant, just had a baby, or just have lots of kids! It's so hard having the job I have where so many of my families don't really care about their kids ~ some of them are not only living with parents who don't pay attention to them...they live in homes that are dirty, nasty, filthy, bug infested crap holes! Over the last few months I find myself going into these homes ...and just crying off and on throughout my visits...I just keep thinking how unfair that some of these parents who don't care get to have lots of children while we sit back and struggle trying to get pregnant! I've been doing better...about not crying as much and I have been praying and praising GOD through this storm trying to realize that it is all in his time not mine ~~ but since Sunday..I find myself falling right back into my pit of despair! Struggling to lose weight, finding compassion for others and seeing those that I am jealous of or that make me angry at with Christ like eyes keeps becoming harder and harder for me to do! I WANT TO US to HAVE A BABY SO BAD>> I COULD JUST SCREAM! If I was 5 years younger I don't think this need would be so bad...because the only thing worse than being FAT and PREGNANT is being OLD, FAT and PREGNANT! I will be 31 in Novemeber and I never thought I would be this old with no children...it's funny how we work out a plan in our heads as kids but then when things don't go the way we planned from when we were 10 years old...you still are shocked and hurt! I know I need an attitude adjustment...I know how many things that I really have to be thankful for...God has blessed us with so much already and I keep reminding myself that those answers prayers to those that are true and faithful to his word. Then I start feeling guilty for doubting..see..it's all a big devilish circle I have got myself trapped in..ugh!
So today I realize that I need to write down 5 things I am thankful for because I need refocus and start putting all my negative thoughts aside!
Today I am thankful for:
1. A God that loves me
2. A doctor's office that doesn't make me feel bad because I am overweight
3. Getting to make sweet Cami laugh about 4 times! (Most precious sound ever)
4. Only having one kid to see today for work
5. A Sweet husband who loves me unconditionally!